I always find myself thinking a lot. One may say why do I think a lot. At 44 years of age(and I literally don’t look my age not one bit), find myself constantly thinking.
I always wonder what is my destiny. What does the future hold for me? Where will I stand 10 years from now? How can I make an impact on this world we live in,and the people that’s in it? What does anyone really think of me ? These are some of many questions I always find myself asking. Story is all my life I have always questioned why is this ,and why is that. My life have always been shrouded in mystery. So as I am writing this blog I want to share some personal things with all of you that’s taking time to read this .
I have always been considered what they call a Lone Wolf. My version of a Lone Wolf you may say!!!!! Always making my own desicions ..Not being around anyone. Feeling unwanted. As a young child running away from home with no were to turn. Being on your own with the option of wandering were your next meal is gonna come from at 14 years of age. Sleeping in abandoned houses,and abandoned cars. Being turned away when your really in need. Putting trust in people ,only to receive the art of betrayal!!!!’
I know you might be wondering like were am I’m going with this? These are some of the acts and events that has happened to me over my 44 years on this earth and over my lifetime. I always see on a daily people that struggle or feel like an outcast in this world when people always have an agenda for themselves. I for one always felt like an outcast to many.. When you have something to give you will always see the so called “Main Characters” in play and claim to be friends ,but hit rock bottom ,and everyone disappears. People torturing you,and treating you like your nothing ,or treating you like a peasant…Or the ones that prejudge you and make fun of you,or your own flesh and blood called Family leave you out to the wolves to be the bait for the taking. All of these examples I am demonstrating are some of the hideous things I’ve went thru in my childhood into my early adulthood. There’s a lot more to these events. From the beginning as I came into this world I never knew what pitfalls and stumbling blocks that would lie ahead of me,but my journey always had an eventful beginning.. The first chapter of my pain begins in the early days in Dallas,Texas. What are some of my memories of Dallas? Some good and the other 85% was completely bad . So the prior 15% was pretty basic. As a toddler in to about 5 years old I have no recollection of what my early years was like. Don’t know when I took my first walk,or anything..I have no baby pictures of myself or nothing at all. Never knew what I looked like at a young age.
As I’m getting toward around 1978 is were my memory begins . This is were things start to shape . I really til this day don’t know the full story of being taken away from my mother around this time. As I got older in life I have learned some of the truth,but some things remain unanswered. So …I’m maybe around 6 years old and I remember staying in some housing projects(Don’t have a clue of the name of the housing were I lived ),but I started noticing some things at this age. I remember at this time just always being alone at home. Was always curious to why!!!!!!!!! one minute my mother I would see her then next time she would be gone. There were multiple incidents I can kind of remember some neighbors always asking me were is your mother at? Or you at home by your self? At 6 or 7 years old I still remember this. There was multiple incidents at this age I would always wonder outside and wonder in the streets with no supervision(needless to say this was around the area of the housing units) and I remember neighbors would constantly make sure I was ok and ask that question once again “Were is your Mother?” All this led to the first stage of me being taking away from my mother. I’m not ashame to admit at this time I learned that my mother had a serious drinking problem to were it lead to binges. Now at the age of about 6 or 7 years of age I have no clue of what alcohol was. When I heard the word “Drinking”,a kid automatically thinks of water,soda,juice etc. I remember when social services was talking to me at a center for children(I think it may have been the Martin Luther King Center),or I may be wrong ,but all I can remember is these social workers all around me and I’m asking all these questions and asking were was my mother. I remember one social worker she ended up telling me I am going to be put in a children’s shelter . Me being a little kid start doing what kids do and that was start firing away and asking questions.
I know to the ones that’s reading this are curious to why I am writing this. Or why am I blogging about this on a personal level!!!!!. Well all of this is going to be in my book “The Second Coming” and it’s just some personal pain I want to share here on my blog as I break my silence. But,back to the situation at hand they started asking me how long had I always been home by myself and when was the last time I ate anything or when did I last see my mother. At this age i had no clue on what was going on. I’m steady asking questions and after all of this was done I found myself being placed in the children’s shelter. All in all my memory of being in the children’s shelter was not bad at all. Was kind of weird tho. The fact of being around other children who were going thru some of the childhood poverty I went thru I guess had its good value and bad. Everyone at the children’s shelter in dallas has a story. Everyone had different backgrounds on why they were there. Believe it or not I was actually happy there . The staff were very caring and always payed attention to us and listened to our stories . I remember everyday the staff would gather all of us at the children’s shelter in a group and we would sat around in a group with two counsellors which was a man and woman on an even field. The shelter was boys and girls. Everyone explaining there situation. Different backgrounds,different cultures. At this time I remember just being confused thru all of this. Also during this time I remember my mother would visit me at the shelter every week and I would ask her when am I gonna go home . I would constantly remember asking this. My mother always responded “Soon”. After getting visits from her every week I remember but after awhile the visits came to a holt!!!!! Again I’m back at the phase of asking questions to the counselors ,and one day the lady staff counselor had me in her office . She finally told me that I would not be living with my mother anymore. She then follows up to tell me that I would be going to live with a couple in a foster home. More questions being asked from my end. How come I asked her ?” She tells me this is going to be a great home for you and you are going to love this new family. I remember asking “Will my mother be there Too?” Of course the counselor tells me “She will See You Soon.” She constantly told me that all that week. Little did I know what was to be expected.. I remember just constantly crying and wanting my mother. I was so confused and did not know what was going on. The staff comforted me thru the ordeal. Lots of the kids I made friends with the months I was at the shelter I ended up giving them the news . Some of the children that did end up finding homes by living in foster homes seemingly always ended up back at the children shelter . As for me I was on my way out of the children shelter that I was living at for months and months. From here is were things start to get interesting …………….
Make Sure To Check out Part 2 of “MY JOURNEY “Series Blog as I continue to share with everyone my early years in Dallas,Texas and life living in Foster Homes at this time.
My Pain and Story Will Be Told.
Happy Saturday ,
Blog entry on September 3,2016 3:38 pm Eastern Standard Time
It’s like we waste our whole lives in here. We try to gain recognition from those who don’t matter, and forget our families, friends, and ourselves in the process. Society teaches us that we are not good enough, so we try to prove them wrong, without actually doing anything productive and significant.
This is why I’m going to take a long break from people who has no future outlook because I’ve wasted so much time on around negativity or other places trying to prove the wrong things to the wrong people over the last few years.
There comes a point in life where we have the chance to change our destiny, build our character, and make something out of ourselves. The club, bars, parties, and alcohol aren’t going to help us succeed. If you have good friends, go out and create memories. I’ve wasted my time with the wrong people in the past,and it’s changed me as a person, friend, and more.
All in all I guess being a “LONE WOLF ” isn’t bad after all.